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| Jesus paintings in progress: Left: Viggo Mortensen, Right: David Gilmour |
Nine years ago on Easter Sunday I was sitting in the Nob Hill Masonic Center in San Francisco, for the last day of a meditation intensive with an Indian Guru. I was there because I wanted to learn to quiet my mind – most of my thoughts had become involuntary, mostly torturous, and completely redundant. I was not looking for a spiritual practice or a religion, and I inadvertently got both.
This past summer I decided to paint the anomalies that were in my head – the pictures and ideas that were persistent and pestering but out of context with what I had been doing. Many things have emerged from that (ongoing) exercise, including a better sense of what interests me, and what unites seemingly disparate work.
Beneath all of the work is an inherent skepticism of the authority of painting and its dubious function as commodity. I often poke at these concerns through subject matter, as in a 4’x4’ painting of a 1.5”x1.5” sticker that was affixed to something that I bought from CVS Pharmacy. The sticker read:
This item intended for sale at CVS/pharmacy. If found at other outlets call 1-866-439-8724
Another strong emergent conceptual concern (that is completely fraught) is my sense of failure in paintings inertia. This borders on crazy thinking, because I am ascribing failure to fact. I am literally and figuratively disappointed that a painting is, for instance, subject to gravity, and I always want it to do more than it can do. The ongoing group of work that I call “paintings that do something” attempts to ameliorate this failure.
Failure is not only a condition that I view as endemic to painting, but also to my paintings in particular, however I don’t view this as a problem. I recognized years ago that whatever it is that I am looking for, it is found in the process of working, but never the work.
To get back to the exercise of painting anomalies:
I wanted to paint a portrait of my brother based on a faded, wallet-sized yearbook photograph, and although it seemed a doomed proposition from the outset, I tried. There were questions of sentimentality and nostalgia, the obvious omission of a conceptual framework, and the overall decayed condition of the photo, which I was not trying to emulate. I worked on that painting for several months, painting and repainting it. When I felt that I had made it as best I could, I called it done and sat back for a long look. For all of my efforts, it didn’t have any of the aliveness that I had hoped for, and I flashed to Madame Tussauds Wax Museum. The thought occurred to me, “if only it (the portrait) had real eyelashes...that might enliven it!” The next day I implanted real eyelashes into my brother’s painted eyelids by puncturing one hole at a time in the canvas and embedding hair. You don’t have to see the painting to imagine the train-wreck.
A lot of back-story to talk about this post! The experience of trying to make a portrait of my brother made me want to paint portraits, but the questions of who I would paint and why seemed irreconcilable, until I thought about Jesus.